Posted on | April 10, 2015 | 2 Comments
My irregular roundup of interesting reads, found from all over the place.
Content Notes: queer negativity
Does the Hitachi Reduce Sensitivity? Yes: “I wanted to know if I’d broken my vag and Hitachi’d myself into numbness… or if my vag was just in a sensitivity coma. Turns out, I’m not alone and there are many, many Hitachi addicts out there. Research taught me that if I just stopped using the thing, that sensitivity would eventually come back, depending on how often I’d been using it and for how long. Great. So I might have some feeling by the time I’m 80, I thought.” (Amie Wee)
We Should Have a Better Condom by Now. Here’s Why We Don’t: “Latex condoms are not, and have never been, approved by the FDA for use during anal sex. Clinical trials comparing experimental condoms to existing latex condoms enroll only straight couples and instruct them to use the condoms for vaginal intercourse.” (L.V. Anderson / Slate)
The Forsaken: A Rising Number of Homeless Gay Teens Are Being Cast Out by Religious Families: “Though James never told his mom he liked other boys, her views on the matter were abundantly clear – “It was disgusting, sick, adding to the end of the world” – and she must have suspected. “At one point, and I was right there,” he says, “my mom actually told this lady that she loved all of her children besides me.”” (Alex Morris / Rolling Stone)
Nonbinding Bondage: Exploring the (extra)legal complexity of BDSM contracts: “If law has been slow to recognize mainstream BDSM, however, BDSM has not forgotten law. Far from locking law out of its bedrooms, mainstream BDSM has deliberately imported one unlikely legal form: contract. Lifestyle guides encourage the use of BDSM contracts, which employ contract forms to set limits and rules of play for BDSM sex. These contracts are negotiated, drafted, and framed in much the same manner as conventional contracts and have become an increasingly accepted part of BDSM practice.” (Note / Harvard Law Review)
How The Line Between Fantasy and Reality Defines Consent: “The antidote isn’t to police everyone’s thoughts about sexuality even more. It’s to make it okay to fantasize and think about sex and talk about it rather than silencing it. How the hell is anyone supposed to learn that the line exists if no one talks about it?” (Cecilia Tan)
Posted on | April 8, 2015 | 8 Comments
For a number of years I’ve had regular tasks and goals, which were set me by my owner. Now I don’t.
Tethys (aka m’Lady) and I are no longer owner/property – although we are still very close and are working out what our relationship is going to be in the future – and so I no longer have those goals and tasks set for me.
No longer am I regularly doing various hole expansion exercises, hunting down porn clips in certain categories, trawling tumblr to find images ey will appreciate. I’m not putting my google-fu to the test by finding out who it is starring in certain images or videos. I’m no longer required to journal nightly (although I still journal when I choose to and/or need to). No longer do I ensure I have my collar ready to put on, and clothes taken off, before we skype.
These days, when it comes to my sexual expansion and creativity, I don’t have any goals set for me. And it’s strange, being on my own recognisance. In less than two months, I’ve gone from being property to improve (with my agreement), to being, well, my own again.
And without even meaning to, I’m starting to discover things.
Who knew that after 23 years of fucking, and with partners both long-term and relatively new, I’d be discovering new things about myself? About arousal, about sexual positions, about pleasure with a person, and pleasure with myself?
I certainly wasn’t expecting this, but I’m enjoying it as it occurs. So perhaps without even intending to do so, I’ve set myself a new goal – discovering more about who I am, how I love, and what my body is capable of as intimate instrument.
Who am I now? Let’s find out.
I took both these photos myself a few years back, but they are just right for today.
Posted on | April 5, 2015 | 21 Comments
I arrived at Hylas’ late on Thursday evening – and was greeted by a large fuzzy and rubbery bunny (who gifted me with delicious chocolate). This delighted me no end!
As an added bonus, he wriggled his tail at me, too
Just a few days earlier I’d watched this fantastic short film (10 mins) called Stop Calling Me Honey Bunny, which I loved – so it was extra-awesome that Hylas surprised me like this. If you check it out, there’s a competition you can enter, too!
Email email@example.com and name three sex toys seen in the film. (include your name, email address and phone number). On April 20th, the producers will draw one name from all of those who entered. Winner will be notified by phone and email, and will receive a $350 gift certificate to Chez Noir. The gift certificate will be sent via email and can be used worldwide on Chez Noir’s website. See more details here.
Posted on | March 31, 2015 | No Comments
My irregular roundup of interesting reads, found from all over the place.
Content Notes: abuse, fat negativity
Good girl, bad boy: can we neutralise gender in dirty talk?: “Exploring genderless sex, both in how I see myself and in how I see my partner, feels like a liberating frontier. There’s safety (and hotness to follow) in being ‘seen’ exactly as you are, expressing how you would like to be seen and asking your partner to do the same. For agendered people, this might be their only option. We might also chose to re-invent gender. We could use gendered language in our dirty talk in a hyper-real or ‘role-play’ way as an active and empowered choice.” (HB / Archer)
What to do if your partner is accused of abuse: “One of the ways abuse in poly differs from many monogamous situations is that the abusive dynamics may be created and fed by several people in the poly network. While there may be a centrally abusive, controlling figure, often other members of the poly circle contribute in their own ways to creating a toxic environment that leaves one or more people feeling powerless and oppressed.” (Ginny / The Brunette’s Blog)
What I Learned By Looking At Erotic Pictures Of Fat Women: “I could not continue to judge the other women as I judged myself—with fear and loathing. Even though I did not know those women and my contempt for them couldn’t possibly cause them any harm, I felt awful. And so I had to find a way to be kind in my thoughts toward them.” (Lynn Beisner / Role Reboot)
Coming Out Kinky to Your Doctor, in Black and Blue: “The problem, said Dr. Charles Moser, a San Francisco-based internal medicine physician and perhaps the leading researcher on kink in healthcare, is that it’s up to a doctor to determine if a kink is causing distress. If the doctor is biased, he may still classify it as a disorder that can lead to legal repercussions.” (Heather Boerner / The Daily Beast)
Good to Go?: “I think there are levels of understanding of consent issues. It’s like when you’re learning science: every time you progress to a new level, the first thing they teach you is that everything you’ve already been taught is bollocks. The basic, kindergarten level of understanding consent is “No means no.” This is fine when you’re also learning turn-taking and not to eat paint. Primary-level understanding of consent is “Yes means yes.” An absence of a verbal refusal is not consent.” (Emma Hart / Public Address)
How Should an Abortion Be? “A story about abortion is not allowed to be a tale of nuance. My experience was difficult, in some ways, certainly. But most of my discomfort came from the feeling that I should feel discomfort.” (Monica Heisey / Gawker)
Posted on | March 29, 2015 | 20 Comments
If you are a person who plays some sort of sport on some sort of field in New Zealand, this is where you wait if you’re not in play:
Regardless, I’m having a great time waiting to play!
Thanks to Kiana for taking so many great photos with me
Posted on | March 22, 2015 | 21 Comments
Let me set the scene: It’s late on a sunny Wednesday afternoon. Hyperbius and I are sitting in the car, stuck in rush-hour traffic. I’m behind the wheel, he’s in the passenger seat with all his various work detritus at his feet. Music is playing, conversation is flowing. Kisses are happening occasionally when the car is stopped – because, yum.
Then, waiting at the traffic lights, he leans down and gets something out of a box. I have no idea what it is. He tosses it into my lap – and it’s round and soft and green and nobbly.
“I’ve just given you … chlamydia!” He laughs. I crack up. The label indeed, says, “Chlamydia” – it’s a giant microbe plush toy. He thought I needed some cheering up (I did), and so decided this would be perfect (it was).
We both agreed it would have really sucked if he had actually given me chlamydia. Although maybe a plush toy would soften the blow?
So yes. I have chlamydia – or at least a giant microbe version of it. And it’s pretty freaking awesome! I’ve named it ‘Clappy’ (even though the clap is technically for Gonorrhea), and it makes me happy.
With love to Demeter for taking these photos with me. *smooches*
Posted on | March 19, 2015 | 2 Comments
My irregular roundup of interesting reads, found from all over the place.
Content Notes: fatphobia, chronic illness, bisexual erasure.
Fat Characters in Romance and Erotica: “I don’t need characters who never have fat shame, but I would like to sometimes see characters who have worked through the lion’s share of it. I’d love to see fat characters who begin the story already knowing that the daily fatphobia they experience is toxic and wrong and who are working on their internalization of it. Maybe even fat characters who are fat activists, or connected to fat activist community. If the character has to grapple with fat shame in the story, can we please have a character that generally feels pretty good about herself and gets triggered by something specific that she then works through?” (Corey Alexander)
In Sickness and In Health, But Mostly Sickness: “Two people rarely enter into a relationship knowing that one of them will be chronically ill. That comes later. Years in. After longer, more serious commitments have been made. So often, “I love you” carries with it a list of requests: do not leave, do not reject me.” (Drew Zandonella-Stannard / The Hairpin)
Seems Legit: Authenticity, Performativity, and Sex: “It also seems pertinent to mention that we are culturally more likely to embrace women who say their experience of porn was tragic than women who say that it was a neutral or even good experience.” (Kitty Stryker / Tits and Sass)
An Examination of Gender in Viking Age Scandinavia: “The mythological and legendary material contains most of the really undeniable examples of people who can be read as trans. It’s not entirely clear why this is – perhaps the fantastical nature of the genres let people enjoy characters transgressing gender expectations without worrying that similar scary transgressions were happening in their own society.” (Lizzie Colwill / Get Real Cambridge)
My Least Favorite Trope: “You know, I’ve taken a lot of responsibility in my life, and never once has it resulted in me becoming a Chosen One. I guess it’s the lack of a broken chromosome.” (Elizabeth Bear)
Bisexual Makeup Tutorial by Amy Geliebter
Posted on | March 17, 2015 | No Comments
Photo courtesy of Molly’s Daily Kiss
Welcome to Elust #68 –
The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #69? Start with the rules, come back April 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!
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This Month’s Top Three Posts
Featured Post (Molly’s Picks)
Readers Choice from Sexbytes
Posted on | March 15, 2015 | 5 Comments
Begging as a concept was not something that came easily to me. On occasion with kink partners in the past I had been aroused enough to ask for permission to orgasm, and that made sense to me as part of the scene. But the notion of begging simply to please m’Lady, asking over and over again – and being aware that doing so is absolutely no guarantee I would be permitted to come – perplexed me for quite some time.
I had learned, when growing up, that when I asked and then received a no in return, to stop asking. But that’s not what m’Lady wants. m’Lady wants me to ask. To ask again. To beg and want and need and debase myself. To keep asking and hoping and pleading, fully aware that it pleases em for me to ask, but doesn’t make any difference as to how ey chooses to eventually answer. (Except occasionally it does.)
Learning that was hard for me. As someone who rarely feels shame and doesn’t play with humiliation, this skirts the edge of both. Frequently a little voice in my head asks me if it’s worth it – worth begging for something, worth putting myself in the position of needing to hear the answer.
But, then, by the time I get to begging, I do need it. m’Lady knows that, and I know that too.
So, slowly and clumsily, I learned how to beg in a way that pleased my owner. To not stop after that first no, even as I felt internally that I was whining and annoying as I continued on. To babble and let go, say all the words I was feeling, hoping to please em. More and more frantic, and yet still able to stop on a dime if that final, definitive ‘no’ was spoken. Or to let go with force, orgasming hard, if a ‘yes’ was given.
Sometimes the begging goes too far, I need too much, and m’Lady only gives a ‘yes’ when ey knows I can no longer come – I’ve held back too long. And that pleases em too.
I don’t know what ey thinks when requiring me to beg. I don’t know what ey gets out of it, specifically. But I know that for me to beg pleases m’Lady. And so I ask, and ask again.
A few posts I’ve written including begging:
Click below to see what other people had to say about begging.
Posted on | March 10, 2015 | 2 Comments
At the very end of last year, I opened my email and was absolutely delighted to see a message from Molly (of Molly’s Daily Kiss) asking if she could interview me for her new podcast, the KissCast. Of course I said yes – how awesome was that?
So in early January we got together on Skype and talked enthusiastically about many things, the end result of which is this, the fourth episode of the KissCast. (I recommend the others as well – they’re great listening!) Molly was a wonderful host who asked great questions about all sorts of things. Between the laughter there may even have been some answers!
I listened back through this yesterday and made a note of all the topics we covered. There’s quite a few – I’ve included links here to relevant posts, just for the curious.
- How I got started blogging as Curvaceous Dee (and chose the name)
- Identifying as fat
- Body hair and media perceptions (as well as personal)
- How I started identifying as polyamorous, and as a kinkster
- Meeting Apollo and starting my relationship with him
- Identifying as pansexual
- Identifying as queer
- Long-distance relationships – both my current one with m’Lady, and my first ever relationship (which was also LDR)
- Partners and their new partners
- Being part of an Owner/property dynamic
- Contracts, specifically my Title Deed
- The Scavenger Hunt (but of course!)
- Being an exhibitionist
- Taking derpy photos
- Endorphins in kink, and how they can lead to giggles and tears for me
Thank you again, Molly, for such a fantastic experience – and for being a wonderful person all up!
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