Eggceptional Easter Eggstacy

It’s a special time of year

when the Easter Bunny comes

with eggs all in a basket

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A.A. Milne and labia torture

What does one have to do with the other? Well, when I was eight I memorised a poem for a class competition (and I won a book – I have always loved owning my own books, so it was a good incentive). The poem was an A.A. Milne one – and I memorised it well, so I’ve been able to recall it ever since.

Which is very handy if you’re being told to recite a poem whilst your inner labia are being pinched, pulled, squeezed, twisted, and otherwise tormented. A poem that you can remember – one that you can belt out the first verse of, albeit somewhat raggedly and with the occasional additional interjected swear word – is an extremely useful thing to have.

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Poems poems poems

It’s National Poetry Day here in New Zealand, so I entertained myself by taking poem requests from twitter readers. Here are the results!

Fisting

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A Bunch of Times

To the tune of The Proclaimers: 500 Miles

When I wake up, yes I know I’m going to be

I’m going to be the one who wakes up next to you.

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Weta love

This Friday poem won’t make a lot of sense until you’ve seen my twitter posts today, so here they are first:



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Batteries

Yes, it’s the return of the silly Friday poem. Enjoy!

Batteries

Big and small and long and round

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Pervertable Things

Because I just can’t help myself …

Long wooden spoons and electric toothbrushes

Bright metal rulers and boots good for crushes

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Achy Achy Cunt

You can tell your mutt your girlfriend is a slut

You can use my dildos when I’m gone

Or you can tell your mates that I fucked on tape

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Three for me

Tie me up, tie me down, tie me up some more

Take a feather to my feet while I’m helpless on the floor

Laugh sadistic at me while I then attempt to flee

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Wank-a-lot

To start it wasn’t difficult

daily twiddling of my twat.

Increasing it to every day

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