My Brother the Ocean

Posted on | November 14, 2012 | 9 Comments |

Last Saturday was two years since my brother-the-human died. So Apollo and I went out to visit him, in his new form as the ocean. He’s been the ocean ever since we scattered his ashes there, on the date of his birthday in 2011.

feet ocean

Auckland is on an isthmus, so we’re surrounded by ocean on all sides – I can get to the sea in under five minutes from where I live, driving down to the local wharf. But that’s not where my brother-the-ocean is. He’s at Bethell’s Beach, or Te Henga. While the ocean stretches around Auckland, and from there around the country and the world, he is, I believe, content to explore the great West Coast beaches area, basing himself at Te Henga.

curvaceous dee ocean

Last year I visited alone. I drove out on a sunny Friday morning in my togs and dress; walked out to the water’s edge, and spent time with him. I ended up kneeling in the water, having a dialogue – my commentary punctuated with waves of agreement, or sass, or laughter. I cried a lot, that first year – but I smiled a lot, too.

I also got a lot of sand in my nethers.

curvaceous dee ocean

Visiting with Apollo this year was really pleasant. We wandered down together – he rolled his jeans up while I tied the skirt of my dress into a knot, and then hitched it into my knickers (which still didn’t stop me getting wet up to my hips, but I tried). I carried my jandals in one hand, while he knotted his sneaker laces and slung them over his shoulder. We took turns holding the camera – and while I started out taking a few pics, he ended up taking most of them.

And once again,  I spent a lot of time talking to my brother. Nothing special – nothing I wouldn’t mind anyone else hearing. And yet I’m glad that Apollo wandered off up the beach and gave me some distance. Glad I was able to spend some time alone, together, just talking about everyday things. About how fast his daughter is growing up. About how I’m studying now. About the how he must be loving all the hot surfers coming out.

I think I’ll be visiting him more often now. But it’s getting hot out there – I got my first sunburn of the season, and I should have had a parasol!

See you soon, my brother.


He was the wickedest bro I know. (Did you catch the click-throughs?)

Wicked Wednesday

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9 Responses to “My Brother the Ocean”

  1. Kim
    November 15th, 2012 @ 3:03 am

    I know the feeling of loss and grief. I have a brother and I couldn’t imagine what you went through after he passed. Your words are beautiful the photos of you in the ocean are stunning. It brought a few tears to my eyes.

  2. J
    November 15th, 2012 @ 3:47 am

    Your brother the ocean? What a beautiful thought.

    I hope that one day, a very long time from now, I’ll be the ocean too.


  3. lynn
    November 15th, 2012 @ 6:48 am

    Hi there,

    Just stumbled upon your blog and was really moved by the post about your brother. It showed such a different side to the rest of your posts and gave me an idea of you as a whole. I liked it. And also how comfortable you are with posting pictures of yourself. That’s how sex should be.

    Glad I found this site.



  4. Marie Rebelle
    November 15th, 2012 @ 7:52 am

    There is such an incredible amount of love in this post. I felt tears stinging my eyes while reading.

    Hugs, sweet Dee!

    Rebel xox

  5. Molly
    November 15th, 2012 @ 9:39 am

    You made me cry… this post is beautiful, so tender and loving and I hope you don’t mind me saying but also hope. Hope that even in death there is a connection…beyond anything we can really understand or explain.


  6. Mia
    November 15th, 2012 @ 9:59 am

    Having known great loss myself I share your emotion in this post.

    I also love the way that your brother and the ocean are now so indelibly linked as, for wherever you are in the world, the different seas are always connected to each other and therefore to your brother also.

    Love and hugs sweet Dee

    ~Mia~ xx

  7. Mistress L
    November 15th, 2012 @ 12:47 pm

    I really enjoyed this entry. I like to think that he’s out there enjoying the ocean too. What a wonderful thought.

  8. KaziGrrl
    November 15th, 2012 @ 4:46 pm

    Gorgeous click-throughs. I love the concept of returning to the seas where we began, I think I’d like the same thing to happen to my ashes (though the bearer would have farther to go…).

    ~Kazi xxx

  9. Dee
    November 19th, 2012 @ 4:16 pm

    Kim – Thank you for saying such kind things! My brother and I became very close, especially after our parents had died. I did miss him very much indeed.

    J – Our parents were also cremated, but because of where their ashes were scattered (Dad around a dogwood tree; Mum in a rose garden) they don’t feel as dynamically there as my brother does as the ocean.

    lynn – Thank you so much, Lynn. While this blog (more than my blogs before this) focuses on my sex and relationship life more than life in general, I think it’s important for readers to be able to see that it is a part of my life – and not a part that I hide, either. My brother knew all my partners, knew about my sexual shenanigans – as I knew about his – as was very important to me. So this is a good place to remember him.

    Rebel – *hugs you back!*

    Molly – I don’t mind you saying at all! I talked to my counsellor about this last week, asking him if I was bugfuck crazy for thinking of my brother as an ocean. He thinks it’s one of the saner things I’ve said :)

    Mia – I find that connection really healing, myself. Knowing that as my parents are part of the root soil of the earth (their ashes were scattered around plants), so my brother is part of the oceans – it makes me smile.

    Mistress L – He’s out there enjoying the fishies, and the hot surfer boys, and the fantastic sunsets. That works for me :)

    Kazi – That’s the lovely thing about wills. You put what you want to happen to you (creamation or burial; and where you want your ashes/body to end up) and the executor is bound to carry out those wishes to the best of their ability! It helped that in this case my brother and I had talked it out in advance – and I’d helped him get his will made – so I wasn’t caught by surprise :)

    xx Dee


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