Hand in my pants

Posted on | May 15, 2012 | 2 Comments |

Originally published in Express Magazine on 11th May 2012.  This is not the picture originally included with the article!

Hooray for May! While it’s rapidly heading into the chilly season, I happen to be flinging off my clothes rather than wrapping up warmly. Why? Because it’s International Masturbation Month, and I want easy access to my nether regions!

Not that I don’t wank the rest of the year, of course – but come May I ramp up the intensity considerably. The rest of my spelunking-related-activities increase too. I suspect by the end of the month everyone will be sick of me talking about jilling, writing about rubbin’ the nubbin, whinging about my aching fingers, hunting for more batteries and taking up all the outlets recharging my toys – not to mention asking if everyone else is blissing off as well.

So how did this very special month come (ahem) into existence? Back in 1995 the sex toy company Good Vibrations, in San Francisco, decided to create the National month after U.S. Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders was fired for her positive views about physical self-love, saying: “I think it is something that is part of human sexuality and a part of something that perhaps should be taught [in schools].” Her firing was pretty appalling, really, so creating the Month to raise awareness was a great idea!

May has long been connected with being merry (‘the merry merry month of May’ being a not-so-subtle allusion to sexual awakening), and it has a lovely alliterative resonance with words ‘masturbate’ and ‘month’, so choosing it for the Month was a gimme. Although February Fapping Fortnight would have been pretty awesome too.

I’ve been participating for six years now – although only seriously on a biannual basis. What do I mean by seriously? Well, in 2008 and 2010 it meant daily airing of the orchid, keeping a spreadsheet (seriously), and writing weekly blogposts detailing how I was doing. I even answered questions from curious readers.

This year the challenge stakes have been upped – a lot! Instead of once a day I’m whipping the cream three times daily, for at least 15 minutes each time. I’m learning how to not ejaculate when I orgasm – yes, you read that right (I go through sex towels like you wouldn’t believe, and my laundry load is massive this month). I’m keeping a fresh spreadsheet, open to the public – and once again updating my progress weekly for my blog readers. And it is one hell of a challenge… I am chugging electrolytes like a triathlete!

Is it worth it? Totally. I have amazing fantasies, and great orgasms. I don’t always feel like strumming the clitar, but I have no shortage of great erotica, interesting porn, and varied sex toys to keep things interesting. And lots of lubricant.

So if you’re looking for me, this month? Chances are you’ll find me with my hand in my pants, polishing my pearl.

I’ll be in my bunk.

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2 Responses to “Hand in my pants”

  1. Some Chilean Woman
    May 16th, 2012 @ 4:02 pm

    ‘polishing my pearl’? I will have to add that to my vocabulary! I love it.

  2. Dee
    May 24th, 2012 @ 7:20 pm

    I’m always finding new terms for masturbation – just came across ‘Vitamin O’ today :)

    xx Dee


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