Adventures in Playland- Swinging and the Single Woman

Posted on | April 19, 2011 | 6 Comments |

Another guest post from the sexy-as-anything Unicorn on a Motorcycle:

Swinger’s clubs have, shall we say, something of a reputation to the general population. Middle-aged couples grinding at each other or making awkward conversation over ill-fitting lingerie and vodka tonics. Sleazy operators. Cheap lube. Basically, the kind of place that would like to be inhabited by extremely fuckable twenty-somethings acting like they’re in a Snoop Dogg video, but aren’t.

However, I am always up for a challenge and the threat of something new. In my continuing journey to learn more about my sexuality and what really works for me, I decided to take a detour after an evening with some friends and visit my local swinger’s club. In my late twenties and with a body that had come out of voluptuous and was now in the athletic camp, I vainly figured that I could have my pick of ladies interested in trying something new, possibly even a couple or two. As with all such adventures that are coated with preconceptions, the reality is neither what one worst-case-scenarios or hopes for.

I guess the big lesson for me was that women don’t seem to do touching. I’m pretty outgoing (but, I hope, not to the point of annoyance) and met one or two women there as part of couples who seemed really nice and rather attractive. I wasn’t looking for sex, but certainly some interaction beyond talking about how nice the atmosphere was. In my mind, women who attend swinger’s nights would be at least bi-curious and interested in other women, but reflectively I can see that doesn’t need to be the case at all. Prejudice clouding judgement on my part once again.

Their menfolk on the other hand, were far more forthcoming. Not to the point of feeling harassed, but certainly the wandering hands didn’t seem to get the message that just because I’m sitting near to them isn’t an open invite.

Thinking about it, it’s funny how the lines and borders of consent get, maybe not blurred, but distorted under the lens of swinger’s parties. At the time I had no real issue with the wandering hands beyond a mild annoyance that they weren’t getting my non-verbal hints (hand on thigh, hand picked up and taken off thigh. Hand goes onto other thigh…). Afterwards, I felt, not violated, but a bit unhappy that they had assumed that because of where I was I was gropable. Now with the benefit of a few weeks to mull the process over, I’m still unhappy but feel that in my desire to be Good, Giving and Game I may have subconsciously put myself out there as being interested in experiences that I really wasn’t too fussed about. A certain level of self-awareness and guile is required to feel truly comfortable and able to draw your own lines when naked with six strangers in a sauna.

So, what can I offer as advice for a single woman wanting to explore this environment? Please note, this is just my tuppen’orth, based on a couple of nights in one location. I’ve had a little while to reflect and consolidate, and your experience could be wildly different. If it is, I would LOVE to hear from you!

  1. Expect to be quizzed. This happened to me a lot. Where I was from. What I did for a living. What I was doing there. What was I into. It started to get quite invasive after the first three interrogations (and on one occasion it DID feel like an interrogation, with the gentleman in question becoming almost aggressive when I told him it was none of his damn business what I did for a living). How much of that was down to nervousness on the part of the questioner, an attempt to break the ice with a jackhammer, or whether some people are of the opinion that if you’re single, female and in that environment you are going to be totally open about everything you are, I don’t know. But go with a firm idea of what you want to reveal about it, and stick to that line.
  2. Stay sober. I don’t drink a lot normally (any more), but I made a decision at the start of The Adventure not to wake up regretting anything from the night before, and the best way to do that is to keep full control of the faculties. I was offered plenty of drinks (at one point, almost ordered to drink) but turned it all down. Peeing every half an hour as a result of constant drinks of water and cola is a small price to pay for knowing exactly what’s going on and who it’s going on with. No matter what happened that night, knowing that I was making the decision, not the several beers imbibed, made the night much better.
  3. Remain assertive, even with yourself. Know what you want from the evening. Clothes on? Underwear? Three-way? Don’t bow to any pressure, either external or internal, to go further than you feel comfortable. There was part of me that felt hey, you’re here, you’re Adventuring, you should be doing X. Go get ‘em! If you’re anything like me, there’s a certain desire to be seen to be absolutely, 100% out there and accepting of everything. Squash that if it’s going to put you in a situation you might not like. at one point I felt like I should be fucking someone I didn’t really like the look of that much, because of where I was and what I was doing (being naked). I didn’t, and I’m not regretting it.

Would I go again? Hmm. I did have fun one night I went, and came away feeling satisfied, both physically and mentally. Having broken that barrier and really experienced that scenario was liberating and fun, dammit! However, it also made me realise that I’m really not looking for a “couple experience”, at least not a vanilla one with a straight couple. Still, I know a lot more now than I did a few weeks ago, and experience is always something to be appreciated.

The Adventure continues….

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6 Responses to “Adventures in Playland- Swinging and the Single Woman”

  1. Tethys
    April 20th, 2011 @ 1:12 am

    Myself and a former partner were very active in the Melbourne swing scene in the early 2000s, typically going to house parties at least two weeks out of every three, as well as playing with friends at other times. As a result, i ended up writing a piece on Sex Party Etiquette (which was then published in one of the local swinger mags). One can probably infer at least some of my experiences from that. :-)

  2. Kym
    April 20th, 2011 @ 8:46 am

    it is not easy at a swing party the guys never seem to take no for an answer we seem to be meat to them. Even though most parties its supposed to be the womans way and if the guy gets out of line hes supposed to be thrown out. Its one reason I stopped going to swingers parties. Polyamous is more my style. Dating in this day and age is so hard for us ladies. I feel your pain girl.


  3. Anon
    April 20th, 2011 @ 9:09 am

    Unicorn on a Motorcycle, which club was it? If the men are too aggressive maybe it is one for others to avoid as well?

  4. unicorn on a motorcycle
    April 20th, 2011 @ 10:49 am

    Tethys- Interesting piece, and yeah I can infer a lot from that!

    Kym- I don’t think it was “aggression” on the part of the men, so much as an expectation of behaviour they had. I was naked, confident and friendly, they chose to interpret that as touchable. The most aggressive thing I found was the constant interrogation by some of the guys. Wandering hands I can deal with, constant demands to know what I was doing there? Not so much. Oddly, I was more upset at the idea that my personality and history were available for groping than my body.

    anon- I’m reluctant to say, because I don’t think my limited experience should be taken as an indictment of the venue itself, rather of a few individuals that happened to be there at the time. I may investigate this area more to learn about how typical my experience really was…

  5. Amie
    April 26th, 2011 @ 12:29 pm

    I totally understand where you’re coming from with this and my experience has been very similar.

    I have never been to a swingers club alone.. nor do I think I ever would.. but going with friends and no expectation can make for a much funner experience. Otherwise.. it’s all a bit too russian roulette for me..

    I found obvious newcomer guys to the club very frustrating. They don’t seem to have boundaries. I don’t mean in a ‘I’m going to grab you now’ way.. but more in a conversational and invade your space kind of way.


  6. unicorn on a motorcycle
    April 27th, 2011 @ 12:02 am

    Amie- I think for some people there is a confusion about where people’s boundaries actually lie in such an environment. In a BDSM setting, the rules are (usually) very well defined, understood, and drilled (heh) into pretty much everyone from the word go. At vanilla swinger’s nights there’s less of that mutual understanding, the group is more disparate. IMHO opinion anyway…


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