I am pleased to introduce a post penned by m’Lady, Tethys.
If you’d told me five years ago that i would find myself in the position of working on creating an owner/property (o/p) relationship with someone, i’d have found the thought perhaps amusing, but not likely. Yet here i am!
It’s only in recent years that i’ve begun to call myself ‘kinky'; i’d not felt comfortable doing so previously due to “kinkier-than-thou” attitudes i’d encountered over the course of a number of years. So i hadn’t been sure that i was kinky enough to call myself ‘kinky'; and even if i was, i didn’t like the idea of being associated with people who seemed to think that being kinky made them so much more sophisticated than, and superior to, everyone else, or that if sex was involved, it wasn’t really kink anymore.
My possibly-kinky interests were, primarily, bondage and spanking. i had no interest in 24/7 top/bottom arrangements.
And all this was in the context of sex-positive feminism.
When i first started identifying and living as poly, it was my then-partner who was the first to develop an intimate relationship with someone other than me. However, though i knew i was definitely poly, it didn’t mean i didn’t experience both envy and jealousy when my partner went off to spend time with her other love; and the thing that i constantly kept in mind during this period was my belief, grounded in feminism, that my partner was not my property, that i had no right to make claims on her time and/or energy as though she was.
Since that time, i’ve worked through most of my issues around jealousy and envy (indeed, a big breakthrough for me was simply distinguishing between jealousy and envy). i’ve come to identify as kinky, regardless of how the kinkier-than-thou types feel about it; i’m not as interested in bondage (though i’m not uninterested in it), but i’m still very much interested in spanking (and impact play more generally), and am also interested in vaginal and anal fisting. That’s in addition to things i don’t necessarily regard as ‘kinky’ (though i’m certainly aware that some feel otherwise); for example, group sex/orgies, and double penetration.
You might notice that i’ve not listed “o/p relationships”. That’s because, until meeting Dee, and following on from how i’d approached poly, it was not something i’d considered. Other people doing it? Fine, if they were all consenting adults. But for me? No. Not least because, over the years, i’ve developed a sense of wanting to anticipate my other partners’ needs and wants so that i can make them happy – which is much closer to being a service sub than to being an owner.
So it now feels rather bizarre to be working out the details of being the owner of another person!
At the moment, Dee and i are at what we’re calling the “lease-to-own” stage. Sadly, we’ve not had physical contact yet; and neither of us feel comfortable with the idea of me owning Dee prior to this happening. Behaviourally, however, we are increasingly working as though Dee is already in some sense my property. Hence, “lease-to-own”.
Of course, this is not an actual legal construct. i will not, in any legal sense, ‘own’ Dee. It’s simply an agreement, negotiated between two (theoretically!) compos mentis adults, to behave in certain ways which we both feel suggest an owner/property relationship. Fundamentally, Dee will certainly not lose the ability to leave the relationship for any reason at any time. And beyond that, we’re going to have a written agreement – in the form of a Title Deed – via which we hope to lay out not only our responsibilities to each other, but to our other partners as well.
Developing this requires much thought and communication, as Dee and i explore what we want to get out of such an arrangement, and how it might work. The dynamics of our play via instant messaging – which has been very intense and hot – offer some guide, but there are, of course many practicalities to deal with. Such as, for example, the fact that we live thousands of kilometres apart.
We’ll get there eventually. And in the meantime, i’m very much enjoying learning how to make the best use of my property.