Posted on | November 19, 2010 | 28 Comments |

I am the keeper of my family history.

Four people, sharing a house and a life and making a family together. A father and a mother, a daughter and a son.

All gone, but for me.

But the family history remains. In my memories. On paper. As photographs, letters, tears, newspaper clippings, stories.

Once upon a time, we were together.

My father, gone aged 48. A marathon runner, teacher, tall bearded imposing gentle giant, reader of books aloud when we were children.

My mother, gone aged 43. A singer, perfectionist, book-lover, beauty, and ultimate suicide.

And last week, my brother. Gone, aged 30. A dog-lover, singer, social force, my confidant, and my only sibling.

Where once were the four of us, now there is just one.

And as I slowly clear his drawers, raise my eyebrows as his impressive stash of bear porn, read his autobiography, arrange to distribute his possessions as he wished them, and mourn, I think of them all.

I miss my dad. I miss my mum. I miss my brother.

I miss my family. But I will keep what remains safe, within me.

I miss him so damned much …

To all of you who sent texts, emails, and messages of condolence and love – thank you so very, very much. You helped me through an appalling week. *hugs*

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28 Responses to “Family”

  1. Dangerous Lilly
    November 19th, 2010 @ 8:40 am

    Oh Dee, I can’t hug you enough, I really can’t. And that photo of you and your brother is precious. You look beautiful and you look so happy.

  2. Amie
    November 19th, 2010 @ 9:51 am

    That’s a really eloquent post. It makes my heart hurt. x

  3. Elly
    November 19th, 2010 @ 9:20 am

    Oh lady, I don’t have the words to really express how sad I am. I’m glad to know that your family were loved, and that you are loved by many. <3

  4. Bec
    November 19th, 2010 @ 12:00 pm

    Oh love.

  5. Kiana
    November 19th, 2010 @ 12:10 pm

    There are no words at this point love. Just many, many hugs and the knowledge that the people your brother and you have touched are all here for you.

  6. viemoira
    November 20th, 2010 @ 12:35 am

    I hope love and support fill the loneliness as much as possible. So sorry… *hugs*

  7. Samantha
    November 20th, 2010 @ 1:14 am

    I am so very sorry…I can’t say more than anyone else will, but please take care. You certainly have my deepest condolences.

  8. Midwestern City Boy
    November 21st, 2010 @ 4:00 pm

    I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you. I wish that there was more I could say.

  9. ménage-a-moi
    November 21st, 2010 @ 4:51 pm

    I know you’ll keep the memories alive, it’s the best way to honour those you love, to keep them in your heart. Your family is a part of you *hugs*

  10. Elizabeth
    November 22nd, 2010 @ 9:07 am

    Wonderful pictures, wonderful stories. I so admire the love in your family. Our household has been thinking of y’all, and sending our best.

  11. Dana
    November 22nd, 2010 @ 11:36 am

    Oh Dee. :'( I am so sorry. I wish I had something better to say. *hugs*

  12. Kelly
    November 23rd, 2010 @ 10:32 am

    From 2007 – 2008 I lost 8 family members and friends. My father, both grandmothers, an Uncle, and 3 close friends. It seemed like I was going to a funeral every other month. I am so sorry for your loss. I haven’t commented before, but felt utterly compelled to.

  13. Dee
    November 23rd, 2010 @ 5:31 pm

    Lilly – That photo is about a decade old now, but we were having such a great day when it was taken. The photographer – Karleri – who took it still has the negative, so is doing a print for me.

    Elly – Thank you, honey.

    Amie – I had the first sentence in my head for about three days. So I had to write it out.

    Bec – *hugs*

    Kiana – You have been an amazing support and incredible friend. Thank you so much for being there for us, hon. *much love*

    viemoira – They do, very much. It’s just a big hole that’s left.

    Samantha – Your condolences are much appreciated, so thank you. I will indeed take care. (The grazes I got two days before the funeral, when rotten steps collapsed? Really I should have known better. So I will take more care.)

    MCB – You’ve said plenty. Thank you so much.

    ménage-a-moi – Luckily I have a big heart to fit them all in. And there’s room for you too :)

    Elizabeth – Thank you, very very much indeed!

    Dana – *hugs* are always good. So thank you.

    Kelly – Oh Kelly, I am so sorry to hear that. I’ve been to many funerals over the last fifteen years, but never more than a few a year. You have my biggest hugs – and thank you for commenting too!

    xx and thanks to all,


  14. Mistress L
    November 23rd, 2010 @ 6:44 pm

    It is when we are forgotten that one must truly be sad…keep their memories alive (((HUG)))

  15. ménage-a-moi
    November 23rd, 2010 @ 7:20 pm

    Dee, of course there’s room for me, I’m practically a midget with delusions of grandeur =P

    I’m kicking myself for being forgetful though, because I wanted to quote Pericles, from a funeral oration at some point, if I recall correctly, saying that no man truly dies who lives on in the hearts of those who knew him
    As it is essentially the perfect thing to have expressed to you. But I can’t remember the exact details of the quote, and as a history major, I developed a complex about incorrect quotes >.<

  16. mina
    November 24th, 2010 @ 3:09 pm

    Sending you many more hugs

  17. Dee
    November 25th, 2010 @ 12:18 pm

    Mistress L – I don’t think I’m going to be forgetting any of them, anytime soon.

    ménage-a-moi – Getting quotes correct is definitely important.

    mina – I like hugs. Thank you :)

    xx Dee

  18. Molly Ren
    November 25th, 2010 @ 4:13 pm

    You and your brother look beautiful together. *Hugs*

  19. ~m
    November 26th, 2010 @ 2:27 am

    Oh Dee. I’m sorry for your loss. What lovely family photos. I love the one of you and your brother.

  20. Dee
    November 26th, 2010 @ 9:18 am

    Molly – Thank you so much, hon. *hugs back*

    ~m – It’s good to be able to share with all of you. Thank you.

    xx Dee

  21. Mistress160
    November 26th, 2010 @ 11:54 pm

    I was so sorry to hear your news, I lost my family in my early 20s so can truly sympathize. We also lost a good kinky friend last week to breast cancer. Seems quite a few kinksters are hurting this month.

  22. Dee
    November 28th, 2010 @ 7:41 am

    Thank you so much for taking the time to comment, Mistress160. I am so sorry to hear about your losses as well. *hugs*

    xx Dee

  23. Iona
    November 29th, 2010 @ 12:26 am

    Hours and days and weeks and years later the loss of our loved ones never goes away.
    At first the sharp edges of that loss cut at us as we move through the next motion and the next.
    As those units of time pass those edges start to lose their keen bite as we bump into a memory again.
    Eventually that empty space left becomes part of the pattern in our life. We admire where it is and where it isn’t – especially if that pattern has been inlaid with as much love as you have.

    Beautifully written Dee. Makes me appreciate my whanau even more.

    Many hugs especially now and many hugs always.

  24. Dee
    November 30th, 2010 @ 7:58 am

    Your words are beautiful also, Sapio. Thank you.

    xx Dee

  25. Miss Magenta
    December 4th, 2010 @ 6:41 am

    Oh my god, I had absolutely no idea! I’m so sorry! *HUGS A MILLION TIMES THEN A MILLION MORE TIMES THE ONCE MORE JUST FOR GOOD MEASURE* I’m always here if you need to talk ok? Jesus…..I remember losing my Nan when I was 11 (a few days before my 12th birthday) – we were very close and it threw me into a depression that I didn’t get out of until 6 years later (contributing factors and whatnot). Don’t worry, to employ a Pink Floyd reference, you’ll see him again in the Great Gig in the Sky <3

    xx and Love Always,


  26. Dee
    December 4th, 2010 @ 7:40 pm

    Thank you so much, MM! *bug hugs back*

    xx Dee

  27. Kiwiana
    December 5th, 2010 @ 1:54 pm

    That made me cry all over again! And Sapio too!
    They truly are gorgeous photos Dee.
    Big hugs until I can be there again.

  28. Dee
    December 5th, 2010 @ 2:07 pm

    *hugs Kiwiana lots*


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