When I discovered kink, I discovered submission. The notion of topping didn’t appeal to me in the slightest, and so for years I regarded myself as a submissive. All my kink partners were dominant and in control – the only other relationships I had were without the power exchange at all. Tie me down, take away my control, hurt me, love me – free me. That’s how I felt, that’s what I needed, and that’s what I got.
But now? My submissive side (for it is just that: a side) has retreated, and it’s all about the domination. I’ve had to readjust how I think of myself, and I’ve pasted over the ‘submissive’ label with one that read ‘switch’. And I have Hylas to thank, or blame, for that. Because while I can’t envisage myself being a top for anyone else, when it comes to our power exchange it just feels right that he’s Pet while I’m Boss, and that I’m the one in control.
Which gets me to wondering. For the first time in quite a few years, I’m not in a relationship where I am the submissive. No (ir)regular opportunity to let go, be hurt, be used, be freed. The last time that happened? Well, after a few months I got hinky. Raddled. Drove Apollo a little nuts, as I felt that I needed to submit, and there was no one to submit to.
(I love my husband, and I love our relationship. But power exchange is definitely not part of it – and we like it like that!)
This time it’s different. Hylas theorised a while back that I might find the same release in topping as I do in bottoming – but the sensations and the enjoyment I get are very different. Still, part of being the Boss is that Hylas does what I need as well as what I want. Sometimes what I need is to hurt, and he obliges me very well.
It’s not even that he’s service topping, I don’t think. More that I’m bottoming-from-the-top. At my request, he provides me with the release I need. Controlled pain, controlled endorphins, a controlled way to block out and overwhelm the persistentconsistentalwaystherechronic pain I live with. And to give me some excellent bruises!
When Hylas hurts me, it’s all about the intimacy and the closeness – to give me that hurt he bites me, and bites me hard. Bruises remain for up to two weeks, and he delights in pressing on them like they’re little endorphin buttons (which they are). He doesn’t get off on it, even though I do – but he does get the pleasure of doing something for me, to make me happy. Still, he’s never in control – that’s my role. A role in which I still get the release I need.
So, I’m not submissive any more. Or at least, not just submissive. It’s weird to find myself in a head-space that I never thought I’d want to be in, and to enjoy it so damned much. But with Hylas, he makes it easy. Makes me want to be in charge, be his Boss.
And I still get to be hurt, so it’s a win for both of us.