Hurt Me, Pet

Posted on | March 17, 2010 | 12 Comments |

When I discovered kink, I discovered submission. The notion of topping didn’t appeal to me in the slightest, and so for years I regarded myself as a submissive. All my kink partners were dominant and in control – the only other relationships I had were without the power exchange at all. Tie me down, take away my control, hurt me, love me – free me. That’s how I felt, that’s what I needed, and that’s what I got.

But now? My submissive side (for it is just that: a side) has retreated, and it’s all about the domination. I’ve had to readjust how I think of myself, and I’ve pasted over the ‘submissive’ label with one that read ‘switch’. And I have Hylas to thank, or blame, for that. Because while I can’t envisage myself being a top for anyone else, when it comes to our power exchange it just feels right that he’s Pet while I’m Boss, and that I’m the one in control.

Which gets me to wondering. For the first time in quite a few years, I’m not in a relationship where I am the submissive. No (ir)regular opportunity to let go, be hurt, be used, be freed. The last time that happened? Well, after a few months I got hinky. Raddled. Drove Apollo a little nuts, as I felt that I needed to submit, and there was no one to submit to.

(I love my husband, and I love our relationship. But power exchange is definitely not part of it – and we like it like that!)

This time it’s different. Hylas theorised a while back that I might find the same release in topping as I do in bottoming – but the sensations and the enjoyment I get are very different. Still, part of being the Boss is that Hylas does what I need as well as what I want. Sometimes what I need is to hurt, and he obliges me very well.

It’s not even that he’s service topping, I don’t think. More that I’m bottoming-from-the-top. At my request, he provides me with the release I need. Controlled pain, controlled endorphins, a controlled way to block out and overwhelm the persistentconsistentalwaystherechronic pain I live with. And to give me some excellent bruises!

When Hylas hurts me, it’s all about the intimacy and the closeness – to give me that hurt he bites me, and bites me hard. Bruises remain for up to two weeks, and he delights in pressing on them like they’re little endorphin buttons (which they are). He doesn’t get off on it, even though I do – but he does get the pleasure of doing something for me, to make me happy. Still, he’s never in control – that’s my role. A role in which I still get the release I need.

So, I’m not submissive any more. Or at least, not just submissive. It’s weird to find myself in a head-space that I never thought I’d want to be in, and to enjoy it so damned much. But with Hylas, he makes it easy. Makes me want to be in charge, be his Boss.

And I still get to be hurt, so it’s a win for both of us.

 

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Comments

12 Responses to “Hurt Me, Pet”

  1. BTExpress
    March 18th, 2010 @ 10:25 am

    I’m not into roll playing like this at all, but to each his own.

  2. Essin' em
    March 18th, 2010 @ 10:28 am

    I found very similar feelings in 2008 when I moved back to CO. Went from identifying as submissive to switch to mostly domminant to “kinkster who is dominant wither everyone but Q.” It’s always a tough thing to re-figure identities. Hence me taking on kinkster, so I don’t have to re-figure my role every few months :)

    Thanks for sharing this with us…

  3. Hylas
    March 18th, 2010 @ 10:28 am

    You have totally nailed it with this post, boss. I do very much enjoy doing it simply because it makes you happy. :)

  4. MissAvarice
    March 18th, 2010 @ 10:33 am

    It’s always wonderful to find people who can go with us to places that we have hardly considered going. I’m dearly glad that you have found someone who gives you a safe opportunity to explore another side of yourself, who helps you get the things you need although the manner of delivery might be somewhat unexpected :) Big hugs!

  5. Panthera Pardus
    March 18th, 2010 @ 10:33 am

    I wouldn’t call this ‘roleplaying’, personally. It’s sides to the same coin. I get that.

    There are times, situations, where I need to top, to cause pain; likewise, there are situations where I need to be topped, to feel those sensations.

    They’re extremely different, and they feed very different needs with me. It’s generally not something I _choose_, either. I’m either ‘feeling toppy’ or ‘feeling subby’. If I’m in one mindset, it’s tough to get into the other.

    Hylas seems as if he helps to fulfill both needs, and this is an _excellent_ thing. Rare. Keep us posted. ;)

  6. Laura
    March 18th, 2010 @ 11:25 am

    How lovely to find someone whose needs butterfly with yours so fantastically. I am envious.

    I spent the last 13 years in relationships where I was the dominant one, and while I enjoy it, and do consider myself a top, there is this little part of me that wants, from time to time, to be held down and taken.

    Lovely post…

  7. Belladonnax
    March 18th, 2010 @ 1:34 pm

    I am delighted to hear it’s all going so well, cos I adore both of you. And I like it that you’re doing what makes you happy :)

  8. Mike Thomas
    March 18th, 2010 @ 1:51 pm

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  9. thesiren
    March 18th, 2010 @ 6:47 pm

    I think it’s always important that we never become complacent about the labels we choose for ourselves, and that we never understand parts of ourselves to be unchangeable or essential. People never stop changing – even once they’re all grown up! Accepting that parts of ourselves we once held dear are no longer quite the same can be a little bittersweet (a bit like falling out of love) but it’s better than becoming boxed in by things that were meant to set us free x

  10. Poing
    March 18th, 2010 @ 8:02 pm

    I haven’t been a kinkster, and understanding the mindset is fascinating to me. (Not that I completely understand anything.)

    One of the things that always confused me about kink (of any kind) was that there seemed to be an assumption that once you’d found the thing that does it for you, that would never change in anything but the details.

    For me, sex is a never-ending conversation that can lead anywhere, sometimes it’s about power, sometimes comfort sometimes just scratching an itch. Because of this, limiting any sexual relationship to just one power dynamic was something I couldn’t get my head around.

    Now I know that kinky sex can have that same dynamism, and that helps me to feel that I understand it better.

    Thanks for a great article.

  11. Kev
    March 18th, 2010 @ 9:58 pm

    I’m in a similar context to Poing in terms of approaching the subject from the outside, but being interested in it.

    From my perspective, sex and attraction are contextual. At a baseline, I have not been interested in being dominant. At various points in my life, I’ve been in a relationship with someone who was submissive. As this was something they enjoyed, suddenly it was a Sexy Thing in a way my brain grokked.

    Thus, I can equally imagine finding being a sub sexy if the person I was with tended to be a dominant. The core point in common is, I enjoy turning my partner’s on, and things which achieve that – despite not previously being considered – might well be Fun.

    So it’s all very contextual. That or I’m more of a mirror than anything else. Who knows.

  12. Dee
    March 24th, 2010 @ 12:21 pm

    BTE – Everyone is different. I never thought that this particular power-exchange arrangement would work for me, and yet it suits us just right.

    Essin’em – It’s nice to know that it’s not just me working through this. ‘Kinkster’ works!

    Hylas – And I do like you making me happy! *licks*

    MissAvarice – It’s certainly a whole lot of fun making this journey, I do agree.

    Panthera – Cheek you posted? Check! And yes, it’s rare and special and I feel very lucky to know such a wonderful person.

    Laura – Sounds like you may be coming at it from the other end of the spectrum. Let me know how that goes!

    Belladonna – I’m pretty delighted too. And really looking forward to catching up with you again.

    Mike – Many thanks!

    thesiren – Deep words. Although I don’t feel very grown up!

    Poing – Well, it was my assumption, simply because I couldn’t envisage myself any other way. Which is silly and limiting of me, because everything else is always changing, so why not this? Still, I’m getting there with figuring it out …

    Kev – I get what you mean about something becoming a Sexy Thing because the other partner finds it hawt. I think that’s part of why we are both having so much Fun – we have new (to the other person) notions of sexy fun times, and bringing them together is a lot of fun!

    Thank you, everyone, for your comments and responses. They were really fascinating!

    xx Dee


  

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