I like words. I like them a whole lot – whether they’re spoken or written, they hold a deep appeal to me. I like to to read, to write, to talk and to listen. To learn from the knowledge words impart. For me, words are intense, powerful, strong and moving.
But when it comes to believing someone? When it comes to truth or lies? Then, it’s more than words, because words – no matter how intense and powerful – are only a part of the story. When it comes to truth, lies, perceptions and beliefs, then actions must be counted. And when the two don’t match up? Then I’m far more likely to place stock in actions, and what those actions say.
You see, one of the the neat thing about words is how flexible they are. You can be genuine, but you can also twist them, mould them, flip their meanings inside out. You can say one thing and mean another, and no one can prove you meant any different. So much comes down to the intent of the speaker or writer, and the perceptions of the reader or listener. What did they really mean? Depends on who you ask.
But actions. Ah, actions. It’s hard to twist those – although you can try. Non-verbal cues, expressions, and posture will tell you a lot. As does when someone chooses to speak, who they choose to speak to, and how they choose to approach a situation. Are they aggressive? Do they perceive everything entirely as how it relates to themselves? Do they only bother communicating when they want something?
For the last few weeks, ever since my breakup with Adonis, I’ve been pondering perceptions, words, and actions (truth to tell, I muse on them a lot – there’s a reason I have a degree in communication: this stuff fascinates me). Knowing that things broke down so badly between myself and a metamour that I chose to end a relationship because of it? That gives me lots to consider. For example:
As much as I’m reassured that I did all I could, I continue to second-guess myself, double-check, rethink. Did I do everything? Did I really make enough effort? Should I have been satisfied with only going halfway – and expecting them to meet me in the middle? Should I have tried harder? Was something wrong with my communication?
As much as I believe that I really did try … they say that they did absolutely nothing wrong (I don’t know if they believe it – but they say it. Words, y’see.). Our perceptions don’t mesh. Their words say one thing. Their actions, consistently, for months, have said another. I made my choice based on the latter.
I may have made a mistake. But I have to trust what I perceive. Do I live in my ‘own, hateful little world,’ as I’ve been informed? No. Those are words, and I disbelieve them – although that doesn’t stop me hurting like hell.
Because words, amongst other things, can cut. Combined with actions, they can slice you open. And I’m still staunching this wound.