Descending
Posted on | February 3, 2010 | 18 Comments | Previous Post Next Post
I’ve known all my life that I don’t want to have kids. It’s been part of who I am, along with my green eyes and my size 10 feet: no children for me, please.
As such, I’ve been on birth-control since I was fourteen. In the nearly twenty years since, I’ve variously utilised pills, condoms, spermicide, IUDs, and diaphragms. So much work to have the sex without the baby-creation, but it was worth it!
None of them were perfect, alas. The diaphragm was impossible for me to position correctly. The pills were easy as anything to take (and effective), but messing with my hormones impacted on my migraines. Spermicide was appalling stuff – I didn’t know why it burned at the time, but I sure do now. And condoms, for the first few years, really weren’t a hell of a lot of fun – I wish someone had introduced me to the concept of lubricant one heck of a lot earlier.
The IUD though – that seemed like it’d be a good move. I’d done my research – that wee copper coil was supposed to prevent pregnancy, without adding hormones into my system. And it was a great plan – except that wee copper coil slipped (my cervix is shallow, it seems), and four months of menorrhagea ensued. That was not so good. But the Mirena IUD I replaced it with was brilliant, and led to five years of no periods – and no babies.
Knowing, all my life, that I don’t want kids, it was one of the first things I told my gynaecologist. Who, of course, told me pretty much what everyone else had told me:
“You say that now, but wait until you’re older.”
“Just wait until that clock starts ticking.”
He said it more diplomatically, but he said it just the same. (That said, he does maternity as well as gynaecology, so I guess he sees a lot of pregnant people …) But I’ve seen him once or twice a year for the past seven years, and every time I’ve said the same thing. It seems like he’s starting to hear me.
When I last saw him, a year ago, and had my Mirena IUD taken out by him, we discussed options for surgically preventing pregnancy. (Hallelujah!) We both agreed that it was best to give my body a year or so to settle, with no birth control other than condoms, and we’d then discuss it in more detail. But he told me about a relatively new procedure which only requires a day-stay, and is comparatively non-invasive.
Handily, Apollo is in complete agreement, and has been considering getting a vasectomy himself – it was one our big prior-to-civil-union discussions, and there was no discord over this one. But being a couple in our early 30s, people still say the same things (especially extended family, damn them). And I do like kids. I just don’t want them. Never have, never will.I know my body, and I know myself.
No descendants for me, please.
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About Dee
Exhibitionist with words, skin and sex. Free with kisses, compliments, and friendship. Open with heart, passion, and laughter.
Labels I choose for myself: pansexual, polyamorous, fat, kinky, New Zealander, writer.
I write fortnightly for the LGBT publication Express magazine; and you can keep track of which lover is who by reading about them here.
If you want to get in touch, send me an email! curvaceous.dee@gmail.com.
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February 4th, 2010 @ 1:13 am
My gyn recently suggested the Mirena IUD but I haven’t decided just yet.
BRAVO that you know yourself this way! Sooooo many women do not. They have a child, or a few of them, and then they complain about every thing associated with being a mother.
I have a few friends who have decided for different reasons to NOT have children and I think they all made the right decision.
February 4th, 2010 @ 1:43 am
Essure has been getting a bit of screentime over on the Childfree LJ-Community, for obvious reasons, so if you were wanting some end-user reviews of the procedure, …
February 4th, 2010 @ 1:51 am
I don’t want kids, either, and people always tell me that I will when I’m older. But I *know* I don’t want them! The thought of being pregnant and having a child squicks me out, It is just NOT something I want to do. I wish people would believe me when I say it instead of dismissing it. It’s really insulting.
February 4th, 2010 @ 3:41 am
I’ve been reading you via Google Reader for a while now and not ever commented but this one caught my attention.
I have Essure. I absolutely love it. I also had those insufferably bad periods and had my uterus ablated at the same time. I dont have true periods anymore (I spot some) and I have Essure as well. No more kids, no more cycles.. ta da! If you want to do both, make sure you have the hot water ablation done, its the only one that you can do with Essure safely.
Good luck
February 4th, 2010 @ 9:46 am
Hi, I would like to send you information about a product you may be interested in reviewing on your blog. If you are interested, please email me for more information! Thanks!
Best,
Lily
February 4th, 2010 @ 12:36 pm
Oh my god, you give me hope! I do not have the emotional energy to fight on this, but GODDAM do I want my uterus out, please!
That is my preference over just cutting my tubes but unlikely I know (and the Essure things is pretty cool!).
I’m 24, of course I’ll want kids. The fact that I think being overwhelmed by hormones is not a good reason to overide decades of well-thought out opinions and my realistic assessment of my life is moot apparently.
And sure I want kids. Foster kids. Maybe. One day, when I’m sane enough. I feel no need to add to the population, nor pass on my genes, nor go through the baby stage!
Oh and how many women need to express that they never ever have wanted children before it’s acknowledged that a significant minority do not change their minds??
February 4th, 2010 @ 1:58 pm
I had to sit my mother down about four years ago and tell her she was never going to have grandkids. It took a few times but she has finally accepted it – though I know part of her still hopes if I meet the right man, I’ll change my mind (which is another topic entirely!)
I’m just not a kid person. I have no desire to make a tiny person and see them to adulthood. Thankfully, all of my friends are taking care of the procreating so I can enjoy their kids and hand them back when they start to cry.
February 4th, 2010 @ 2:39 pm
Gen, I loved my Mirena – it did it’s job brilliantly, and my periods swiftly dwindled away to nothing (although I still cycled, just not bled).
Craig, thanks for that link – why on earth did I never check there before? Made for a morning of interesting reading. (When are you back in the country?)
Britni, I am totally with you on the squicking! I have no problem whatsoever with friends who choose to have children. I just don’t want them myself!
Theresa, thank you so much for commenting! It’s great to hear from someone who’s had the Essure procedure. Ablation was a new concept to me, but also something I’ll be discussing with my gynaecologist!
Lily, on the off-chance that you’re not a spammer, I’ve emailed you.
Dana, it seems like I give you hope for lots of stuff, doesn’t it? *grin* Fostering is a pretty cool notion, if you want to do it.
Aurore, one of the things I like best about my friends having kids is getting to hand them back. It’s nice, sometimes, to see them, but I sure wouldn’t want to live with them!
xx Dee
February 4th, 2010 @ 3:35 pm
Yep, I’m in the same boat. I’ve known since adolescence that I don’t want kids. I like them just fine but just don’t ever want any of my own. Pets are just fine for me.
And of course I get the same reactions. Doesn’t matter, though; I know what I want and what I don’t want. I’m really looking forward to being able to talk to a doc about more permanent sterilization/period-ending procedures. Most of them won’t give me the time of day due to my age but eventually…
February 4th, 2010 @ 3:55 pm
Amber, it seems there are a goodly number of folks out there who don’t want to breed. Start talking to your gynae now … and given a few years they’ll get around to believing you!
xx Dee
February 4th, 2010 @ 4:40 pm
Your life. Your decision. I’ll simply wish for you to find happiness with your choice.
February 4th, 2010 @ 4:47 pm
That’s a good way to be, Horseman – the problem with where so many people feel that it isn’t my choice, or that I will change my mind. Thank you, though
xx Dee
February 4th, 2010 @ 5:25 pm
lol Dee. While I can’t help it if you’re inspiring!
February 4th, 2010 @ 11:52 pm
Back in Auckalndia on the 12th of February at Oh Jesus Christ On A Big Purple Tractor in the AM, departing at middayish on the 17th.
Not a long stay, I grant you, but I do hope to see folks & drive out any Foreign Accent Infiltrations.
February 5th, 2010 @ 11:42 am
Luckily for me I am fairly certain that biological children are out for me. Good thing too: Ive never wanted children. Growing up it was clear and in adolescence also. I just knew that it was not in store for me.
Being infertile makes it easier. People assume that its because I cant that makes me not want the, but thats only partly true..
But then there always those little miracles that pop up and Ive been looking around for something that would ensure that no ‘little miracles’ pop up in my uterus!!
February 7th, 2010 @ 12:07 pm
Nzlg, I’m being nosy here. How did you find out that you were infertile? No little miracles sounds like a good move to me
xx Dee
February 26th, 2010 @ 1:23 pm
I never commented before, but needed to say: I love Essure! I have no children and have always known I didn’t want any. Like you (and many others) I was told way too many times that I would change my mind.
Finally, just after I turned 35, I found a doctor who respected my wishes and had my Essure implanted. My then-fiance, now husband, gifted me two mini-slinkies to celebrate! It was an outpatient procedure and very simple. The worst part was the 2nd hysterosalpingogram–I needed to have a second because my tubes were not properly scarred over after three months–and while it was bad, I would do it again for the freedom of having control over my own reproductive health.
Just do it. I can’t understand why you would even need to wait a year to let things “settle,” but do what you are comfortable with and enjoy! Best of luck.
March 1st, 2010 @ 10:03 am
Mini-slinkies? That’s just brilliant, Janeen! Now that I’m back from holiday, I’m off to make an appointment with my gynae
xx Dee