Too Much

Posted on | January 26, 2010 | 35 Comments |

I’ve got a dozen posts knocking about in my head and in draft, but I can’t seem to get any of them finished. Which is likely because this post needs to be done first – and I don’t want to write it. I think it has to be done, though.

I’ve broken up with people before. And I’ve been broken up with before. In all those instances, though, at least one party (if not both) was at the point when they needed to move on. Where their feelings had changed. Where what was ‘in love’ – or at least ‘love’ – had altered to the point where the relationship was no longer feasible.

But I’ve never before broken up with someone I was still in love with.

(Guess there’s always something new, huh?)

So. *big sigh* Last week I broke up with Adonis. My lover, my top, my safe place. I’m still in love with him. He’s still in love with me. And I did it anyway.  And why break up with him, if I was still in love with him? Well, this one came down to poly. Sometimes, it seems, it just can’t be made to work.

In this case, it was to do with metamours. Specifically, his other partner. They’ve been together for a year now, and while she seemed nice (to me) initially, over time it became very clear that she didn’t like me. Any affection I showed towards Adonis in her presence? Not taken well. Any time I took him ‘away’ from her? Well, her words said it was fine. Her body language and her actions suggested she felt differently.

Now, I’m very aware that this is all about my perception of her. That how she may have felt could have been entirely different. But it was damned difficult to communicate with her – and even when it was managed, her words and actions really did seem to say different things.

But we persevered. Last October or so I asked to step back a bit, and give them time to stabilise their relationship, their living situation, their plans. I still saw him, only not quite as often. I hoped it would help.

Instead, apparently, it worsened. And, a few weeks ago, when I went to the munch with Hylas, and she and Adonis were both there as well? She was actively venomous towards me. And I realised, by the end of the day, that that was it.

Passive dislike I can handle (although I don’t like it). Active hatred? Not so much.

So, last Monday, I met Adonis for lunch. And told him that I was breaking up with him. I felt like I was going to throw up. We both cried. I hated that I was making that decision.

But. I don’t regret making it. She can hate me all she likes, or blame me all she likes, but she has what she wanted – him. It’s just a shame that it came at the expense of my relationship with Adonis.

(There’s a whole lot of other stuff going on there too. But most of it is complicated, and personal, and entirely subjective. Is my perception wrong? Possibly. But the only people I’ve spoken to who think I’ve made the wrong decision seem to be Adonis himself, and her.)

Will Adonis and I ever get back together? Only if their relationship crumbles. I’m really, truly, hoping it doesn’t – I want him to be happy, even if I can’t be happy with him.

Doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck, though.

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Comments

35 Responses to “Too Much”

  1. Kiana
    January 26th, 2010 @ 2:31 pm

    *huge hugs and cuddles*

  2. Gray
    January 26th, 2010 @ 2:32 pm

    I have been following your blog for a while now. I’ve laughed at the things you posted, been in awe of your confidence and now I’m sadden to read this. I would have made the same decision as you in that situation but you are right, that does suck.

  3. Dee
    January 26th, 2010 @ 2:33 pm

    Kiana, you have been a great friend, and I love you dearly. Thank you so much for being there and helping me with this.

    Gray, your comments are much appreciated – and thank you for taking the time to delurk!

    xx Dee

  4. Adriana
    January 26th, 2010 @ 2:33 pm

    I think this is a mature thing to do and am glad you care about his happiness no matter how difficult it might be. But do not worry about your perception. It’s your blog, we want to hear how things look to you!

  5. Dee
    January 26th, 2010 @ 2:35 pm

    Part of the reason I waited a week to write about this (aside from really not wanting to put it on paper) was that I wanted to get past my immediate, petty, reactions. Because while I would get pleasure from denigrating her and her actions, I just don’t know why she acts the way she does. So I’m leaving that part out.

    xx Dee

  6. Miss Serenity
    January 26th, 2010 @ 2:41 pm

    I’m so sorry honey xxxx hugs and kisses and loves

  7. frenchies
    January 26th, 2010 @ 3:09 pm

    All I can say is I know what you are feeling. I’m so sorry and truly know how painful this is. Here’s wishing you a healed heart very soon.

  8. Dirty Gerty
    January 26th, 2010 @ 2:44 pm

    This made me want to bawl my eyes out. :-( *hugs*

  9. SteelHorseman
    January 26th, 2010 @ 4:10 pm

    You are a beautiful person for wanting his happiness like that. I truly hope you get a wonderful reward of happiness for it.

  10. ThatToyChick
    January 26th, 2010 @ 4:11 pm

    Dee – I’m not a frequent reader, but we’ve crossed paths in a few social circles..I just wanted to send my condolences.

    Even though this is a sad event, I really do admire the choice you made. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been, but you are very courageous to prevent long term grief by denying the short term rewards.

  11. Gabe
    January 26th, 2010 @ 4:23 pm

    Oh my. I’m so sorry, dear. I just went through a breakup myself. If you want to talk, you know how to get me.

  12. Dee
    January 26th, 2010 @ 5:02 pm

    Thank you both, Miss Serenity and Dirty Gerty. *hugs you* Gerty, this decision was made about an hour before I met you the other week – so conversation and cocktails with you was so absolutely needed!

    frenchie, thank you for your kind thoughts. I don’t wish this feeling on anyone.

    Horseman, thank you. I want my happiness more, which is why the break-up had to happen. But I hope he has it too.

    TTC, I really appreciate you taking the time to comment. I don’t feel courageous in the slightest, but I admit to being happy that it’s viewed that way.

    Gabe, I wish I did know how to get you! *grins* But seriously, thank you very much. My condolences on your break-up too. *hugs*

    xx to all,
    Dee

  13. patricialynn
    January 26th, 2010 @ 5:07 pm

    I am sorry to hear about Adonis.

    I have to admit I can kinda understand the situation, from both points of view. I’ve been the jealous, insecure metamour, and I have been the one who suffered because of another’s jealousy. It’s never easy, is it?

    You did the right thing. When it comes to a relationship, everyone in the relationship has to be accepting of the other persons involved. As much as it hurt to end it, I think it would have hurt more to stay.

    ~hugs~

  14. Dana
    January 26th, 2010 @ 8:42 pm

    Oh Dee. You are such an incredible, strong woman.

    Reading that is like being stabbed in the chest – I could not do that. That is why (hypothetically) I could share my partner’s body, but not his heart.

    It makes me sad and angry that she entered into a relationship set up the way it was and was selfish enough to blame you for her feelings.

    I hope you are feeling good soon, and miraculously she can get the fuck over herself and at least you could have a platonic relationship. I don’t know. If that didn’t hurt too much.

    xxxx

  15. Kiwiana
    January 26th, 2010 @ 9:52 pm

    Dearest Dee,
    I wish I could be eloquent, but I haven’t really got the words to express how intensely I am feeling on your behalf.

    “I’m sorry” doesn’t cut it.

    Big Hugs is about as much as I can offer. Here to lend an ear if you need.

    Love K

  16. Alex Alexa
    January 27th, 2010 @ 10:10 am

    *kiss*

    Sorry to hear about your break up, but you seemed to handle it in an amazingly healthy way.

    It still sucks though.

    All my affection,

    Alex

  17. Dee
    January 27th, 2010 @ 11:13 am

    patricia, Dana, Kiwiana, Alex, thank you all. Your comments, thoughts, hugs and affection are all gratefully received, and much appreciated :)

    xx Dee

  18. Poing
    January 27th, 2010 @ 12:14 pm

    I’m so sorry I did’t contact you sooner.

    All the hugs you need. Also anything else you need.

    Hugs.
    Poing

  19. Violet Vamp
    January 27th, 2010 @ 2:12 pm

    So sorry, lovely!

  20. Dee
    January 27th, 2010 @ 2:18 pm

    It’s quite okay, Poing! We both have busy lives. Next Thursday sound good for a catchup?

    Thank you, VV :)

    xx Dee

  21. Dangerous Lilly
    January 27th, 2010 @ 2:40 pm

    I have mixed feelings on this, but foremost – I am so, so sorry for your loss and heartache in this. It’s not fair, dammit.
    I can understand, partially, where you’re coming from here but I also still feel that whole “it’s not fair”, to you, for you and Adonis to have to suffer a break-up just because of her. She seems like a cow, personally :P

    But then again, I don’t read *her* blog, I read and like yours.

  22. Truly
    January 27th, 2010 @ 3:52 pm

    I’ve been there (approximately), and it isn’t easy. Sounds like you took the high road, though; congratulations on a tough choice. And good luck :)

  23. viemoira
    January 27th, 2010 @ 4:14 pm

    *hugs*

  24. Dee
    January 27th, 2010 @ 4:37 pm

    Thanks Lilly – my feelings are also very mixed on this. But her actions prior, and since, really haven’t done anything to change my mind or feel like I’ve made a mistake to remove myself from her circle of influence.

    Truly, I appreciate the compliment!

    vie, your hugs are welcome. Thank you.

    xx Dee

  25. sweettart
    January 27th, 2010 @ 6:23 pm

    It takes a brave person to choose the option you did. “It sucks” is about the most polite term I can think of.

    I am sure Adonis and you will tuck that love you have for each other into the happy memories you carry. As for the future…who knows but for now it was good. To carry on with the way you have described would have only poisoned the happiness you and Adonis have shared.

    *Love and hugs to you both*

  26. Dee
    January 27th, 2010 @ 6:53 pm

    It’s about the politest term I was willing to put into print, that’s for sure. And thank you for your lovely words, sweettart! *bear-hugs you back*

    xx Dee

  27. Essin' em
    January 29th, 2010 @ 7:48 am

    Sending you many loves and hugs. I know how difficult this can be.

  28. Dee
    January 29th, 2010 @ 9:11 am

    Thank you honey. Your love and hugs are very appreciated indeed!

    xx Dee

  29. Nzlg
    January 29th, 2010 @ 3:45 pm

    Aw, Dee, im really sorry to hear about this :( Really I am.. Not sure what to say except that I have huge *hugs* waiting for you for the next time we catch up (and I hope thats SOON!!)

    xoxoxoxo Nzlg

  30. Dee
    January 29th, 2010 @ 9:31 pm

    Thank you so much, sweetheart. It means a lot to get hugs from you! Are you going to the Impact SIG?

    xx Dee

  31. tam iris
    January 29th, 2010 @ 11:57 pm

    I have been there and it is terribly unfortunate that doing the right and mature thing doesn’t make it any easier. Big supportive hugs from across a large pond.

  32. Dee
    January 30th, 2010 @ 7:22 am

    Tam, you are lovely – thank you so much! And yeah, easier this ain’t. *sigh*

    xx Dee

  33. FungiUg
    January 30th, 2010 @ 9:55 am

    *hugs*

  34. Mahal
    January 30th, 2010 @ 1:47 pm

    I am late to the party, having not read for awhile; but I’m sorry, hon, really sorry to know this. :-\

    *hugs*

  35. Dee
    January 31st, 2010 @ 4:09 pm

    Fungi and Mahal, thank you both – your hugs are appreciated!

    Incidentally, I haven’t seen either of you for awhile, and I still have Giftmas presents for you!

    xx Dee


  

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