I’ve got a dozen posts knocking about in my head and in draft, but I can’t seem to get any of them finished. Which is likely because this post needs to be done first – and I don’t want to write it. I think it has to be done, though.
I’ve broken up with people before. And I’ve been broken up with before. In all those instances, though, at least one party (if not both) was at the point when they needed to move on. Where their feelings had changed. Where what was ‘in love’ – or at least ‘love’ – had altered to the point where the relationship was no longer feasible.
But I’ve never before broken up with someone I was still in love with.
(Guess there’s always something new, huh?)
So. *big sigh* Last week I broke up with Adonis. My lover, my top, my safe place. I’m still in love with him. He’s still in love with me. And I did it anyway. And why break up with him, if I was still in love with him? Well, this one came down to poly. Sometimes, it seems, it just can’t be made to work.
In this case, it was to do with metamours. Specifically, his other partner. They’ve been together for a year now, and while she seemed nice (to me) initially, over time it became very clear that she didn’t like me. Any affection I showed towards Adonis in her presence? Not taken well. Any time I took him ‘away’ from her? Well, her words said it was fine. Her body language and her actions suggested she felt differently.
Now, I’m very aware that this is all about my perception of her. That how she may have felt could have been entirely different. But it was damned difficult to communicate with her – and even when it was managed, her words and actions really did seem to say different things.
But we persevered. Last October or so I asked to step back a bit, and give them time to stabilise their relationship, their living situation, their plans. I still saw him, only not quite as often. I hoped it would help.
Instead, apparently, it worsened. And, a few weeks ago, when I went to the munch with Hylas, and she and Adonis were both there as well? She was actively venomous towards me. And I realised, by the end of the day, that that was it.
Passive dislike I can handle (although I don’t like it). Active hatred? Not so much.
So, last Monday, I met Adonis for lunch. And told him that I was breaking up with him. I felt like I was going to throw up. We both cried. I hated that I was making that decision.
But. I don’t regret making it. She can hate me all she likes, or blame me all she likes, but she has what she wanted – him. It’s just a shame that it came at the expense of my relationship with Adonis.
(There’s a whole lot of other stuff going on there too. But most of it is complicated, and personal, and entirely subjective. Is my perception wrong? Possibly. But the only people I’ve spoken to who think I’ve made the wrong decision seem to be Adonis himself, and her.)
Will Adonis and I ever get back together? Only if their relationship crumbles. I’m really, truly, hoping it doesn’t – I want him to be happy, even if I can’t be happy with him.
Doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck, though.