So, what IS a Vampire Flopper?

Posted on | September 4, 2009 | 3 Comments |

I know I’ve been keeping you in suspense, but since so many of you took the time to enter my competitions (thank you, each and every one of you), it’s now time to actually let you in on what a Vampire Flopper is, and why it caught my attention.

It’s got nothing to do with piercing skin, drawing blood, or turning you into a bloodsucker (at least, not for humans). Nope. Instead, it’s to do with, well, spearfishing. Yep, spearfishing.

A vampire flopper, as Adonis and I discovered when we randomly visited a shop called Ocean Hunter (yes, we like to visit random shops. And, as we’ve been discovering, marine shops have a wealth of rope. And knives.), is a wee metal prongy thing that’s designed to be attached to a speargun – when the spear penetrates the fish, it ‘flops’ up and hooks into the flesh. The barbs (or teeth) help to hold it in place better. It’s sometimes called a ‘Vampire Barb’ – but frankly, Vampire Flopper sounds one hell of a lot funnier!

It looks like this:

Yep, that’s a Vampire Flopper. Far less exciting than all your notions. But nice and pointy!

So now you know! Hooray for learning. And random nosing into shops :)

This is also an opportunity for me to share the fantastic entries I received! As you will have read, the delightful Essin’Em won the competition for her description of a vampire flopper (which you can read here). These, though, were all great to receive and to read – it was amazing how many different definitions were thought up!
Due to the fact that vampires predominately live on a diet of blood, this in itself can become quite complicated if one becomes too saturated with such liquid. As we all know, when certain parts of a males anatomy become too engorged with such a liquid, certain parts begin to rise and become hardened. As vampires do not have a sexual appetite, and do not reproduce by use of their sexual organs, this effect can be quite unpleasant. To relieve such uncomfortable circumstances, the Vampire Flopper was created. A large black paddle constructed with hard woods and a metal brace, ornately decorated with jewels and stones. To use the “Vampire Flopper”, one must stand in front of erect organ, position themselves in a golf swing stance, and use “flopper” as if it were a golf club or hockey stick. The impact is hard and swift, and quickly detains the organ limp. Hence, it has established a flopping status.
– Miss Serenity

Fun. Dirty, sexy fun.
– bdhf

One fine gloomy evening a vampire ignored the beckoning of his brothers and continued to feed on his now half dead victim. Greed was always an issue with this one. Many a time he had pushed his limits and had near meetings with the sun. Today, the sun won the game and fried him to a crisp. All the vampires were distraught and upset and were at their wits end as to how to avoid being late home, often pushing their luck. Grandpappy vampire sat them down and handed them each an odd looking type of watch. They all looked at him with amusement. One of the younger vampies started laughing and said “Grampy thanks but no thanks they are ugly. I am NOT wearing that!”, one exclaimed.

“No this can save you little noob ass’s so shut up and listen” he said itching a fang.

“A vampire flopper , you silly twat, flips and flops its lid when it’s time to go home and curl up in one’s coffin before the evil, nasty sun rises and prevents one from looking like well fried eggs on the local pavement. If you ignore it, it’ll gorw until it can flop about and slap you about the ears because I can’t be there all the time to do it myself. Wear it and you’ll never find out what it feels like to be an egg”.
– Vanilla Impaired

Septimus stood, mouth gaping, mind blank. The vision before him was so beautiful that he couldn’t move a single undead muscle.

Her skin was a lovely, lively pink, glowing with health, flush with blood. Waves of blonde hair shone as they fell over unblemished shoulders. The satin sheet under which she lay had slipped down to reveal two perfect breasts, ripe with promise.

The hunger in his soul flared at the sight of her, neck bared, as if she were offering herself to him. Slowly, he took the three steps that brought him to her bedside, and Septimus fell to his knees. He pulled the sheet down, slowly enough that she would not wake. Her belly and hips continued the same graceful curves, crowned with amber pubic hair that glowed in the moonlight.

He longed to drink deeply of her life, but the radiance that flowed from her, even asleep, protected her from his deadly kiss. If he tried, he would be the one consumed.

She was lust, love, *life* incarnate. If he still believed in such things, he would have said ‘holy’.

Her aura, however, did not protect her from his hands.

She would not stay pure for long.
– Nobilis

The Vampie Flopper come in three types. The first is extremly rare and is where the tounge has split from the tip down the center to nearly three quarters of the way down the tounge and is sometimes refered to as the Snake’s tounge.The second is where the tounge is self cut and the third is a toy like a type of dildo or vibrator.

The head of the person is placed between the thighs of the man or woman so that their tounge maybe extened with one side resting on the base of the shaft or lips of the vagina and the other tip of the tounge being at the base of the anus. The tougne ends are then moved about to sexually stimuate and this has been described as vampiric and people describe that they are flopping about not knowing from which point of the tounge is bringing them to orgasm, so it has been described as the Vampire Flopper. Or the double point of extreme orgasm.

The artifical version works in a similar way though because of its extended length it can also enter the anus and/ or vagina if the person desires.
– G.R.

Vampire flopper: n. Object, tool, or device that inspires such fear in vampires that it turns dominant vampires submissive, causing them to desire human bites. From flip-flopper. E.g. That pointy ended wooden cross rubbed down with fermented garlic is sure to be a real vampire flopper.
– E.O.

Vampire flopper
(Vam-pahy-ur floh-pah)
(-noun): 1: A squidgy, flexible pipe that is usually thwacked against a victims’ epidermis by a vamp to extricate droopy blood corpuscles. Can also be utilised as an insertion device in female prey.
A fashionable purple in colour, and fully reversible, it is the perfect accessory for the modern day vampire.

Origin: In vampire history, it was said that Norwegian male vampires used their rather large and flexible sexual members to suction to their victims and bleed them dry from the inside. Other… less endowed vampires invented the flopper to mimic this unusual and highly effective method.
– Mistress Velvet

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3 Responses to “So, what IS a Vampire Flopper?”

  1. vanimp
    September 4th, 2009 @ 10:09 am

    Haha wonderful stories hun 😀 And omg I totally had NO idea that's what it was. LOL Hillarious xxx

  2. T
    September 5th, 2009 @ 5:43 am

    I never would have guessed that!
    Great submissions. Looks like everybody had fun.

  3. Curvaceous Dee
    September 14th, 2009 @ 2:30 am

    It's a strange wee product, with a strange wee name – but it caught my attention and spawned a great competition!

    xx Dee


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