I Forgot

Posted on | March 10, 2009 | 23 Comments | Previous Post Next Post

I forgot so many things.

I forgot that to most people the word ‘cunt‘ is an insult, derogatory, and shocking. That they don’t hear it as a marvellous beautiful descriptor of female genitalia, or realise that I speak the word with love and reverence and respect.

I forgot that to most people ’sex’ is between a male and a female, and described solely as the penetration of the penis into the vagina. That they have no idea sex can be amazing without penetration being part of the picture, or that indeed masturbation is solo sex and in no way secondary to that with a partner.

I forgot that to most people there are only two genders: ‘male’ and ‘female’, and they they either don’t understand or actively despise the gender-queer, the androgynous, the intersexed, the transgendered and transsexual and just plain unsure. That they have no concept of the amazing galaxy of genders out there, and that while I may fit into one of the categories they understand, it doesn’t mean I don’t recognise the others exist.

I forgot that to most people you are not allowed to openly love more than one person in a sexual fashion. That you can have a partner other than the one you’re married to, but only if you sneak and hide and lie. That in no way can your lovers be friends, or hold your hands together when out shopping, or be in your life in more than one sense. I forgot that it’s more acceptable to have an affair than to be polyamorous.

I forgot that to most people certain body parts are secret, shameful, or wrong. That nudity is taboo and shocking, and that to bare your breasts or cunt or cock or arse in public is an offence. I forgot that lifting your shirt to wipe away sweat can expose something that should never be seen, apparently.

I forgot that I’m supposed to look in the mirror and hate how I appear, simply because I have a larger body than the media-mandated norm. I forgot that I must be a lazy slob because I’m fat, and that I’m unhealthy and deserve to die. I forgot that I should never love the skin I’m in, and should feel shame for looking the way I do.

I forgot that most people lie. That truth-telling is not the norm, and that I shouldn’t expect people to as be truthful as I endeavour to be. I forgot that they will tell me one thing to my face and then throw stones when my back is turned. I forgot that ‘that’s the way the world works’.

But I never forgot that I love myself. I love the words I use, the body I live in, the truth I speak, and the sex I have with myself and others.

What I forgot was that other people can just plain suck – but I never forgot that some of them are wonderful. And that perhaps, just perhaps, some of them will become wonderful from seeing who I am and how I love.

Still, I never forgot that I can hope.

Image is a reproduction of Gone, But Not Forgotten by John William Waterhouse, 1873

Category: fat, Gender, Musings, polyamory, self-love, top post

Comments

23 Responses to “I Forgot”

Famulus
March 10th, 2009 @ 11:19 pm

You are swimming upstream indeed. Swimming against the norms of society. This society indeed, but not all societies.

Keep up the fight; you’re not alone. I would love to know exactly how I feel on this, but I don’t yet. But I do support your cause and hope to learn from you.

Keep up the struggle.
RPT (Fred Bloggs)
March 11th, 2009 @ 12:09 am

Gosh Dee, that’s a tough one to comment on.
I pretty much get most of the ‘stuff’ that you do. The only bit I don’t ‘get’ is the Poly stuff. I understand what you do, but I would like to see it in action as it were, meet your extended family, see how you interact, maybe then I would get it.
I totally get the nudity.
I understand the different genders.
Wanking, and mutual masturbation something I do.
Body size is not an issue to me. Fat folk are NOT lazy.

However you look at it your lifestyle is as unconventional as it gets, a bit like mine.
Gillette
March 11th, 2009 @ 12:39 am

Oh, Sweetie…

I had major paradigm shifties when I found out my kids were the only ones with whole wheat bread in their school lunches. This is the world you live in.

When we are on the outside, it’s such a chore having to deal with others’ unhealed pieces and parts.

Remember that here, at least, the majority of people see a different world than the closed minds that pervade. And even when some don’t understand all of it, they support you. My guess is you’ll get lots of that in comments. You are not alone.

We love you exactly as you are. We admire you for your bravery in loving yourself…what an act of courageous subversion!! You are brave to love all the people you do..not shutting your essence down to please others and stay safe. You are brave to be in your body. You are brave to share all of yourself here.

Many hugs to you. My prayer for you is that when an occasional meanie crosses your path, you remember the 112 who love you and admire you, encircling you with our cyber arms.
Him
March 11th, 2009 @ 1:17 am

Great post! Reminds me of what I have forgotten, and that I should be glad that I have.
Musns
March 11th, 2009 @ 3:09 am

"But I never forgot that I love myself. I love the words I use, the body I live in, the truth I speak, and the sex I have with myself and others."

Don't ever forget darling, don't ever forget.

Hugs & kisses from across the waters
desds
March 11th, 2009 @ 3:28 am

*hugs*

I totally admire you and everything you do. You teach me to love myself everyday! It’s a battle worth fighting!
kiana
March 11th, 2009 @ 6:00 am

I forget as well; although I’m sure you understand more than I do. Being a part of Tanto’s life brings me glimpses of that world I’ve never known. Where monogamous relationships are normal but cheating is accepted, nudity is scarce, sex is not talked about. And it aches my heart to know people live squashed and confined into those social norms. Some of them are happy there but I doubt the majority are.

I must be content to be an outsider. I do not wish to live in that constricted world. But I can not ignore that it is there.
Kiwiana
March 11th, 2009 @ 6:53 am

I just love what you have said here. Makes me love you even more and celebrate how much I have learnt from you.
mina
March 12th, 2009 @ 2:59 am

you go girl! i wish to be as strong as you. Who ever has made you feel bad sucks indeed.
DBD
March 12th, 2009 @ 6:05 am

I hope that forgetting didn’t hurt too much. My love!
Anonymous
March 12th, 2009 @ 6:33 am

Convention is dull, boring crap and can only be reshaped by swimming against the tide and re-educating others -go girl girl go!
Curvaceous Dee
March 12th, 2009 @ 6:46 am

Famulus – Thank you for your support. I have no intention of stopping my struggle – I just get tired of swimming now and then. It’s nice to know that I’m not swimming alone, though.

RPT – Unconventional has always appealed to me, and while I don’t ask for understanding from folks, I do ask for respect for my points of view. Alas, many people fear what is not like them. I’m glad you don’t!

Gillette – It continues to amaze me just how many people don’t love themselves. But then again, I was like that once as well. I think it’s one of the best ways of subvert the norm, and moreso because no one can force you to do it. Thank you for your love and admiration and hugs and support, because it helps to keep me afloat some days. (By the way, I eat whole grain bread for preference, with the very occasional white bread to shake it up.)

Him – Thank you hon! Being glad is always a great thing.

Musns – Here’s hoping Alzheimers stays far away from this brain o’ mine. Because I don’t want to forget that.

desds – *hugs back* Your comment made me smile. Thank you so much.

kiana – The thought of being so squashed and confined terrifies me like nothing else. Being on the outside suits me much better, especially with friends like you out there with me.

Kiwiana – You are a dear, dear love. Thank you.

mina – You are strong, sweetheart! We all have our vulnerable times, but it’s friends like you – and all those in our blogosphere – who help hold us up when that happens.

DBD – It wasn’t the forgetting that hurt. It was the remembering.

Anon – I work hard at the re-educating. Mostly it’s well-received – occasionally it’s not. But it’s still worth doing. Thank you!

xx to all,
Dee
Britni
March 12th, 2009 @ 7:51 am

We cannot make other people feel or think a certain way. All we can do is be unabashedly ourselves and hope that someone accepts us. I accept you for all your beauty and courage. And I hope that that little bit of acceptance makes you feel beautiful enough to say “fuck everyone else.”

You are perfect and sexy and you know it, flaws and all. I love you!
jupitersinclair
March 12th, 2009 @ 12:25 pm

I read this yesterday and didn’t have time to comment. I wanted to have time to give it the love it deserves…and of course,all the things I wnated to say have fled from my mind I LOVE this. There are so many things I nodded along with as I was reading. Thank you for putting things out there I can relate to at a time when I’m so frustrated by others thought processes …or just failure to think any other way than subscription to societal norm.
Blacksilk
March 13th, 2009 @ 5:26 pm

I had a friend of mine screaming “That’s a dirty word! You can’t say that!” in shock at me for a good five minutes just last week for saying ‘cunt’. Apparently “Well, you’ve *got* one, haven’t you?” is not a good enough argument and I should instead be saying ‘see you next Tuesday’. Sigh.

Thing is, at the time I was just confused, because it hadn’t occurred to me that I’d said anything shocking or unusual. Which is how I feel reading your post really. All the points seem, at first, like obvious common sense, nothing to really write home about.

I just wish everyone could see things that way, because as you’ve pointed out, many really don’t.

I guess it makes me very thankful that most of the people I know and like are open and not easily weirded out.

Hopefully one of these days there will be very few people left who don’t think this post is common sense.

Very good post though, really made me appreciate things and have a think.
Jade
March 17th, 2009 @ 10:02 pm

A lovely post. I recall the day I told my sister I was in a loving, poly relationship with my ex and my now-partner. “Can’t you just have an affair like everyone else?” she asked. And was serious. An affair would have been more acceptable… Bah, I say to that. I “love the words I use, the body I live in, the truth I speak, and the sex I have with myself and others” also. Bravo to us both. Eventually the rest of the worl will “get” it. And if not, at least we do.

Jade
Curvaceous Dee
March 19th, 2009 @ 11:13 pm

Britni – No, we can’t. But we can hope that we are a little bit of inspiration in the way we choose to live. Also, my flaws and I love you too!

jupitersinclair – You are welcome. And yes, societal norm can be overwhelming, as can the realisation that many many people are comfortable making up that strange majority.

Blacksilk – Your comment made me chuckle. It’s amazing the impact people will let some words have on them. I agree that ‘cunt’ isn’t a shocking or unusual word – to us. One of these days, perhaps to everyone.

Jade – Thank you! It’s it strange that a deceitful, sneaking affair is more acceptable that openness and honesty?

xx to all, Dee
Maxie
March 20th, 2009 @ 7:53 pm

Oh Dee. I’ve been away from your blog for awhile now, caught up in the bullshit that makes up daily life (and dealing with a lot of what you wrote about today).

One thing I didn’t forget is that I love, worship and admire you. And I do have a Dee equilivilant in my life and I need to spend more time with her.

Thanks for being you.
ravenquince
March 23rd, 2009 @ 3:24 am

Although I’ve seen you on Twitter for some time, this is my first time to your blog. I find it extraordinary that the first post I read should be filled with such truth that it made me cry. Oh, the pain we each carry at the injustices of society. Thank you for the reminder.
Curvaceous Dee
March 24th, 2009 @ 8:18 pm

Maxie, thank you so much for your lovely comment. And I am so pleased you have a Dee equivalent! I have my own, thankfully – and it makes dealing with the bullshit a little easier.

Raven, thank you for reading, and for commenting. I didn’t mean to make you cry though! *hugs*

xx to both,
Dee
Q
April 3rd, 2009 @ 2:58 am

That is a beautiful post. Thank you.
Danielle Horne
April 14th, 2009 @ 3:05 am

What an amazing post, I love what you have written and although some of what you have written is new information to me alot of it is not and it brings alot of things into the light.
Curvaceous Dee
April 15th, 2009 @ 9:59 pm

Danielle, thank you so much for commenting! This was one of the hardest posts I’ve written in a long time, and it helped me a lot. Knowing that it helped/educated/caused other to think makes it all worth it

xx Dee

About Dee

Exhibitionist with words, skin and sex. Free with kisses, compliments, and friendship. Open with heart, passion, and laughter.
Labels I choose for myself: pansexual, polyamorous, fat, kinky, New Zealander, writer.
You can keep my partners and close friends not-mixed-up by reading more about them here.
I write fortnightly for GLBTI magazine Express, for whom I am also the sub-editor. I also write upon occasion for other publications!
If you want to get in touch, send me an email: curvaceous.dee@gmail.com.