Life is Pain, Highness

Posted on | November 13, 2007 | 11 Comments |

I have a funny relationship with pain. As a migraineur, I live with it every day – it pulses behind one eye, or burrows down through my fontanelle, or ice-picks me in the forehead. The variegated tortures it can present are horrible, and I detest it. I spent a long time trying to bury it with pain-killers, didn’t work for quite some time (and only work part-time now), and I take a lot of preventatives (both prescription and herbal, vitamin and mineral) to help minimise what I live with.*

Yet as a masochist, I like pain. More – I need pain (Apollo can tell you just how tetchy I get after a few months of not having a D/s session). Choosing to submit, being held down, tied down, remaining still of my own account; feeling the burn or swipe or smack or bite. The physical intensity, the nerves firing, the endorphins rising, the adrenalin rushing. I discovered my enjoyment of pain a few years after I started to get migraines, and initially I tangled myself up in what seemed to me to be a paradox – how could I love and hate something that was the same? Why would I choose to inflict pain on myself when I have uncontrolled pain in spades that I hate?

But ‘outer pain’ – pain that comes externally through the skin, rather than starting internally – is something I can control. When I’m stressed out, I bite myself, and have done so for years. Clamping down on the mound of venus on my palm, or the webbing between thumb and finger, or the side of my wrist; holding hard enough to feel the teeth, but not quite break the skin. Leaving marks, and sometimes bruises, and a feeling of relief. Because it lowers my stress, lets something untense in a way that nothing else matches. (I never graduated to cutting – didn’t think of it for years. The concept appeals to me, but I couldn’t trust my control. So I never did. I do love to be cut or marked, though…)

Nothing unwinds me that well, other than having someone else hurt me. That beats biting. Beats it hands down.

So yes. Pain. I love it, and I hate it. I live with it, and I choose to submit to it. It stresses me out, and unstresses me. Perhaps the two experiences need different words to describe them – because to me, my inner pain and my outer pain are worlds apart.

If only I could have more of one and less of the other … *looks hopefully at the universe*

First person to tell me what the title is quoting gets to choose a poem topic for me :)

* Feel free to suggest things that may help with the migraine. But, rest assured, most I’ve either tried (and they didn’t work), or I’m doing them already. I’m not allergic to anything, they’re not set off by food products. Hormones and barometric pressure and humidity and stress are surefire triggers. I take feverfew daily. I take pain-killers rarely. Email if you want to talk more about them.

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11 Responses to “Life is Pain, Highness”

  1. Adonis
    November 13th, 2007 @ 7:13 am

    Do I count for the competition, given how often I quote it?

    I believe it’s said to a certain “bride”?

  2. Curvaceous Dee
    November 13th, 2007 @ 8:03 am

    My dear Adonis, you always count! But I will write you a poem anytime you ask me … so for the purposes of the competition, we’ll see who else is correct.

    xx Dee

  3. Anonymous
    November 13th, 2007 @ 8:02 pm

    I don’t need to pick a poem topic, but I do have to answer your challenge.

    The quote is actually a “mis-quote.” That is one of my favorite lines from the book, The Princess Bride. In the movie version, they have Wesley telling Buttercup that “life is pain.” In the book, Fesik’s parents tell him “life is pain – anyone who tells you differently is selling something.”

  4. Musns
    November 13th, 2007 @ 8:24 pm

    Migrane’s are the worst, my mother suffers greatly from them and my mil is on disability for hers. You have my sympathy.

    Me – when stressed, bite my fingers, the webbing between my thumb and forefinger, will put my hands in my pockets and pinch the tender skin where my thighs and hip meet (that V area) until I can’t stand it. The endorphins released from pain help ease the stress from life. (so does smoking but I’m not supposed to be doing it – hubby hates it with a vengance)

  5. PBF
    November 14th, 2007 @ 5:01 pm

    A few years ago I had a relationship with a girl who cut her arm when stressed out. Blood everywhere, and her left arm was badly scarred. (Eventually we went our separate ways for reasons other than the self harming.) She was also a sub/switch spanko.

    I do it too, When I get angry and can’t take the anger out anywhere but on myself, I bite my arm leaving teeth marks and sometimes drawing blood.

    But I have never considered the pain from biting and the pain from being spanked related. You have made me think…Maybe there is ‘better’ way to dissipate the anger.

  6. Rose
    November 14th, 2007 @ 5:17 pm

    “So yes. Pain. I love it, and I hate it. I live with it, and I choose to submit to it.”…I couldn’t have said that better Dee!!!! It’s always confused me as to how much I need and want it, yet struggle and fight it. But I absolutly choose to submit to it.
    So sorry about the migraines, my mom suffered with those for years.

  7. Essin' Em
    November 14th, 2007 @ 11:51 pm

    I totally do the causing the outside pain to control internal pain too. I use my sharp nails on my palm when my migraines get bad, or when I’m getting shots, or tattoos, etc. I figure self-caused pain is way better than other-person caused pain

    frozen water bottle at based of neck, chocolate in mass quantities…dark rooms, drugs of mass quantities…I’m sure you’ve tried them all

  8. Z
    November 16th, 2007 @ 5:17 am

    Nothing to say right now on the pain thing, although it fascinates me – just welcome back, and a big smooch for my postcard!

  9. Curvaceous Dee
    November 16th, 2007 @ 8:13 am

    Anon – you are quite correct. And it’s been too long since I re-read the book, which I shall rectify as soon as I unpack it :)

    Musns – pinching, huh? I sometimes pinch my webbing rather than biting, but never thought of the hip area. *pinches experimentally* Interesting!

    Hi Pbf! I don’t bite enough to bleed, although I want to sometimes. Your comments were most interesting!

    Rose – it’s choosing to submit to it that makes all the difference, I believe.

    Essin’Em – I have indeed tried them all! Some of them even help, at times :)

    Z – I’m pleased your postcard arrived! *smooches back*

    xx Dee

  10. Emma Kelly
    November 17th, 2007 @ 11:26 pm

    Hi CD,

    The distiction between inner emerging pain, both physical and emotional, and outer erotically delivered pain is well-drawn.

    I find a need in myself to explore both inner and outer erotic pain.

    Very nice.


    Mrs. Kelly’s Playhouse

  11. Curvaceous Dee
    November 18th, 2007 @ 4:38 am

    Scott, when you talk about ‘inner erotic pain’ would I be correct in supposing that this is what appeals to you about cuckolding? An emotional pain from Mrs. Kelly’s relationships? Just not quite sure I understood you correctly.

    xx Dee


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